Tommy's First Sale

Ted:	I like your line, and I like your prices, but there's a problem. There's no guarantee on the box.
Tommy:	Heck, if something breaks down you can call me, even if I'm watchin' TV.
Richard:	Callahan has guaranteed every part sold since 1925.
Ted:	Maybe so, but it's not on the box. It should always be on the box, comforting you, calling out, "I'm good. I'll never let you down, but if I do, I'm gonna make things all better."
Richard:	Our brake pads are made with a non-corrosive poly-plated...
Ted:	Son, if you're not talking about a guarantee, skip it. My customers need to see that little label looking them right in the eye.
Tommy:	Hey, you can get a good look at your butcher...
Richard:	No.
Ted:	What?
Richard:	Remember, chicken wings.
Tommy:	Chicken wings? Alright, uh, you want to talk about guarantees, then...
Ted:	Fellas, you just ran out of time.
Tommy:	Chicken wings! Let's think about this for a sec, Ted. Why would somebody put a guarantee on a box? Hmmm, very interesting.
Ted:	Go on, I'm listening.
Tommy:	Here's the way I see it, Ted. A guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box because he wants you to feel all warm and toasty inside.
Ted:	Yeah, makes a man feel good.
Tommy:	Of course it does-why shouldn't it? You figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave you a quarter. Am I right, Ted? Hehehe...
Ted:	What's your point?
Tommy:	The point is: how do you know the fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer. "Buildin' model airplanes," says the little fairy. Well we're not buying it. He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes. Next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser and your daughter's knocked up. I've seen it a hundred times.
Ted:	But why do they put a guarantee on the box, then?
Tommy:	'Cause they know all they sold you was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customers' sake, for your daughter's sake, you might want to think about buying a quality product from me.
Ted:	OK, I'll buy from you.
Tommy:	Well, that's...
Both:	What?