Greg Klotz
Work
in
Progress
English 104:
Bad Ideas
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This is just a pointless collection of entertaining examples of how not to write.
How to Write a Paper — Bad Idea
- Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
- Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
- Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
- Stop off at another floor on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonald's and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.
- When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
- Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
- Check your e-mail; reply to everyone who sent you letters.
- You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade... You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
- Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
- Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it , I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
- Listen to the other side.
- Check your e-mail again.
- Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
- Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, the world at large.
- Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
- Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.
- Check your e-mail to make sure no-one sent you any urgent messages since the last time you checked.
- Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: +Pro Bowler's Tour +any movie starring Don Ameche +Star Trek
- Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
- Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
- Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
- Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
- Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
- Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
- Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
- Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.
- Check your e-mail.
- Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
- Lie face down on the floor and moan.
- Leap up and write the paper.
- Type the paper.
How to Win Arguments — Bad Idea
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
Drink Liquor. (JD)
Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large shots of Jack Daniels, you'll discover you have Strong views about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a Wealth of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.
Make things up.
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that You are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. Don't say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."
Note: Always make up exact figures.
If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make That up too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You left your soiled underwear in my bath house."
Use meaningless but weightly-sounding words and phrases.
Memorize this list:
- Let me put it this way
- In terms of
- Vis-a-vis
- Per se
- As it were
- Qua
- So to speak
- Well, any-how
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," "e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do not."
Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say:
"Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money."
You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say:
"Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."
Only a fool would challenge that statement.
Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:
- You're begging the question.
- You're being defensive.
- Don't compare apples and oranges.
- What are your parameters?
This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.
Here's how to use your comebacks:
| You say: | As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873... |
| Your opponents says: | Lincoln died in 1865. |
| You say: | You're begging the question. |
OR
| You say: | Liberians, like most Asians... |
| Your opponents says: | Liberia is in Africa. |
| You say: | You're being defensive. |
Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.
This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."
Now you know how to win arguments.
Great Analogies — Bad Idea
- He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
- She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
- The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
- McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
- From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
- Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
- Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
- Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
- Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
- He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
- The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
- Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
- Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
- The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
- They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
- John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
- The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
- His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
- The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
Rules for Writers — Bad Idea
- Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
- Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
- And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
- It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
- Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
- Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
- Be more or less specific.
- Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
- Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
- No sentence fragments.
- Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
- Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
- Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
- One should NEVER generalize.
- Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
- Don't use no double negatives.
- Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
- One-word sentences? Eliminate.
- Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
- The passive voice is to be ignored.
- Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
- Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
- Kill all exclamation points!!!
- Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
- Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
- Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
- Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
- If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
- Puns are for children, not groan readers.
- Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
- Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
- Who needs rhetorical questions?
- Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
- And finally... Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Mr. Popeil — by Weird Al Yankovic
I need a Vegematic
I need a Pocket Fisherman
I need a handy appliance
That'll scramble an egg while it's still inside its shell
Operators are standing by
How does that make you feel
Help me
Mr. Popeil
I wanna shine some pennies
I wanna mend some leather
I wanna Krazy-Glue my head to the bottom of a big steel girder
Please, no C.O.D.'s
Don't miss out on this deal
Ah, help me
Mr. Popeil
Help me
Mr. Popeil
Mr. Popeil
Mr. Popeil
Woah
It slices, it dices
Look at that tomato
You could even cut a tin can with it
But you wouldn't want to
Mr. Popeil, I'm in trouble
Need your assistance on the double
Oh no, now how am I gonna make
My old vinyl car top look like new
Mr. Popeil
Tell me, what am I supposed to do
Mr. Popeil
Mr. Popeil
Now how much would you pay
But wait, there's more
It's not sold in any store
Now how much would you pay
Don't answer yet
Just look what else you get
Now how much would you pay
If you order today
You get a Ginsu knife and a smokeless Ashtray
Now how much would you pay
Now how much would you pay
Mr. Popeil, Mr. Popeil
Mr. Popeil, Mr. Popeil
Mr. Popeil, Mr. Popeil
Mr. Popeil, Mr. Popeil
Make me buy a Garden Weasel
Make me buy a Bamboo Steamer
Make me take advantage
Of this amazing TV offer
Call our toll-free number
We'll make you such a deal
Aw, help me
Mr. Popeil, I want it
Mr. Popeil, well, I need it
Mr. Popeil, I got to got to got to have it
Mr. Popeil
Mr. Popeil
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